Thursday, May 28, 2009

Position: Middle of the Atlantic

Weather: Brilliant

Crew Status: Pushin’ on through


As our voyage advances, Dr. Jones and I have encountered several unexpected difficulties in life aboard our slightly broken boat.  First, it is impossible attend all the activities we wish to sample.  Napkin-folding is scheduled for the same time slot as art.  Ballroom dancing conflicts with Portuguese.  Trivia meets during the Hollywood Theatre’s afternoon showing of The Reader. Why, Dr. Jones had to miss Casino Bingo yesterday in order to attend a Bridge lesson! Simply put: we need more hours. 


Exacerbating this problem is the fact that many of our days have only 23 hours.  Tonight, as with last night, we will lose yet another hour at 2AM ship’s time.  We know for a fact that this loss occurs at 2AM because we are always awake to see it happen.  Which leads us to our next problem: We need a nap. 


On a vessel that boasts an average passenger age of 130, one might reasonably expect to get a full night’s rest despite the shortened days.  However, these old people can seriously party.  Also, the diabolical Crystal Dining Room maître d’ has assigned the crew of the Leaky Dinghy to Table 105. Our dinner partners include Alice the Adventurer, a travel and features writer for a major UK newspaper; Odessa the Art Instructor, who has helped us produce such masterpieces as Mrs. Peacock’s “Ocean Turkey” and your captain’s own Mermaid Tail Bookmark; Franz the Gourmand, a Switzerlander who, apart from Dr. Jones, represents our only gentleman dining partner; and Johanna Jollitime, a comedienne from LA who won last season’s Last Comic Standing.  Suffice it to say Table 105 is Not Like The Other Tables and, every night, we arrive to find our waiters have eased our table a little farther apart from the others.  

Your captain's Mermaid Bookmark.  

After dinner, the diners of Table 105—now honorary members of the Leaky Dinghy crew—often repair to Pulse, the ship’s smallest and “hippest” nightclub, tucked in behind the Galaxy Lounge.  Pulse is handily equipped with it’s own bar, comfy banquettes and, most significantly, a Karaoke setup, which allows us to repel intruders should they attempt to enter our territory.  So far, my rendition of the Kenny Rogers classic, The Gambler, has chased away all encroachers (with the exception of Toronto Jim, who must be lured away with false reports of intoxicated single ladies in the Deck 9 hot tub.)


As a result of all this, our shipboard evenings have proven quite lively and, even should I wish to retire early, I could not.  As captain of this vessel, I cannot in good conscience leave Dr. Jones unattended.  Dr. Jones = Party Animal. 

Dr Jones orders yet another round.

The Crew of the Leaky Dinghy employs Gloria Gaynor to repel invaders while, below, Dr. Jones cozies up to Alice the Adventurer and Odessa the Art Instuctor.


Mrs. Molly Peacock leads a defensive action using Freddy Fender as ammunition.  

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