The Leaky Dinghy

Captain's Log: What Was Lost Shall Be Found

2010-07-22T22:16:00.006-04:00

Ahoy, honorary crew members. As it is now late July, well into the Leaky Dinghy's peak adventure season, you may have wondered at our lack of perilous voyaging. Allow me to explain.

As regular readers of our Captain's Log know well, our Leaky Dinghy crew relies on the strength and wisdom of our iconic plastic celebrity and Official Expert on Everything, Dr. Henry Jones.

Dr. Jones, in better days.

Though I am ably assisted by my first officer, Bryan the Bosun, who laughs in the face of certain death and has been observed to hold his ground even when charged by packs of rabid demon-chickens, I simply could not imagine embarking on another voyage of the Leaky Dinghy without my old friend and colleague, Dr. Jones. Alas, faithful readers, Dr. Jones is not well.

Yes, there he is, collapsed among the bar utensils at Leaky Dinghy HQ. When I took this picture it was not even 11AM. Tragic.

Though I have seldom spoken of it in these pages, last summer's Zombie Cruise took a grave toll on all of your Leaky Dinghy crew but, while the rest of us have put those events behind us, Dr. Jones has fallen ever deeper into his cocktail shaker. No readers, it is not depression, or even PTSD, but something far, far more serious: Dr. Jones has lost his Stiff Upper Lip.

I know, right?!

So, please, join us as Bryan the Bosun and I sail across the treacherous North Atlantic, searching for clues and, if necessary revisiting those unspeakable weeks aboard the Zombie Ship. It won't be pleasant, intrepid readers, but it must be done. We MUST Find Dr. Jones' missing Stiff Upper Lip. He'd do the same for us.

Bryan the Bosun stares into the horizon, his face set with determination, as he contemplates the challenges that await.

Captain's Log: In the Shadow of the Volcano of Death, The Leaky Dinghy Presents The Great Read

2010-01-06T09:34:00.008-05:00

As insufferably cold temperatures continue to plague our dingy Chesapeake hailing port, this crew has abandoned the frigid mid-atlantic in favor of the Leaky Fleet's Caribbean headquarters. The situation at Caribbean HQ is becoming tenuous, however. The Christmas Winds have abandoned us, seriously jeopardizing our kite-surfing efforts, and volcanic activity in nearby Montserrat has added a haze to the air which, the Discovery Channel informs me, prophesies the IMPENDING DESTRUCTION OF ALL LIFE FORMS ON EARTH.

So. In order to distract myself from our imminent demise (and as long as the free wireless at Jumbie's Bar holds out) I will be participating in Bookshelves of Doom's Great Read of The White Lady by Wilkie Collins.

Note: An extensive search of nearby bookswaps yielded only a musty copy of Trojan Gold (always worth a re-read) and a celebrity sighting of Ginger Spice but, fortunately, The White Lady can be found online--for free! Just google.

The First Epoque

Despite kicking off with an introduction that reads like it was copied out of a 1L Civil Procedure casebook, The White Lady quickly turns into a hearty snack of gothic melodrama and snark. (The gothic melodrama was implied by the title, but the snark was an unexpected treat.) Our delightfully snarky narrator is drawing instructor Walter Hartright, and he has bad taste in both friends and sisters. Lucky for us, he's not shy about snarking on either. Professor Pesca (the friend) is flamboyant, foolish and (as is often the case with foolish, flamboyant people in British novels) foreign. The sister, Sarah, is humorless and intolerant (as is often the case with sisters, just ask Chris the Cabin Boy.) Only mommy is perfect. Typical. But, really, who cares when you're getting paragraphs like this one?

"I go back into my life, and I address myself to the noblest of created beings," continued Pesca, vehemently apostrophising my unworthy self over the top rail of the chair. "Who found me dead at the bottom of the sea (through Cramp); and who pulled me up to the top; and what did I say when I got into my own life and my own clothes again?"

Gotta watch those cramps. Oh, and then the gothic melodrama arrives in the form of a mysterious white lady. Dressed in white, that is, and all alone on the road to London, by herself, in the middle of the night. Good stuff. And! She seems to to have escaped from an insane asylum, where she may or may not have been falsely imprisoned. C'mon, you know you want to read this book!

Anyway, off goes our talented you narrator to the country, where he snarks on his employer for being effeminate and fussy and describes the governess thusly:

"Starting from this point of view, it will always remain my private persuasion that Nature was absorbed in making cabbages when Mrs. Vesey was born, and that the good lady suffered the consequences of a vegetable preoccupation in the mind of the Mother of us all."

Also, one of his charges is homely (but has a great body and personality), the other is beautiful (thought not really, when you actually examine her face with the critical eye of an artist) and the beautiful one bears a striking resemblance to the mysterious white lady. And there's a mysterious past connection between the two girls. Oh, and it sounds like Walter and beautiful girl are still acquainted--possibly 2gether 4ever?

This book is awesome.

A Note on the Zombie Cruise

2010-01-06T09:18:00.001-05:00

Several of you have inquired about the missing Zombie Cruise postings. Even now, half a year later, I can't say much...but and I will tell you that those posts exist, that the zombie situation was even more dire than we feared, and that Admiral Mary, who financed the expedition, did NOT appreciate our observations. Therefore, the full events of the Zombie Cruise cannot be revealed until we are 100% sure Admiral Mary has forgotten this blog exists. But the truth WILL be known. Someday.

Definitive proof: The original Gomez Adams, patriarch of the Addams Family, consumes flesh on the deck of the Zombie Ship.

2009-08-18T15:42:00.008-04:00

Captain's Log: Zombie Ship Infiltration

Emboldened by the obvious Zombie presence in Stockholm's Sodermalm neighborhood, the crew of the Leaky Dinghy awoke more determined than ever to study these terrifying creatures at close range. It would no longer be enough, we decided to track the Zombie transport ship from the safety of the Leaky DInghy and our fleet flagship, the Las' Straw. No, the crew and officers of the Leaky Fleet must undertake a course of action so treacherous and daring, so bold and uncertain, it has never before been attempted by even the most dedicated of Zombie researchers: we will infiltrate the Zombie transport ship and study the Zombies while living among them. Resolved, the first step was to rendezvous with Leaky Fleet Command, Admiral Mary and Ship's Engineer Hank. This was easily accomplished, as Ship's Engineer Hank had left this detailed chart for us at the front desk.

Following this precise heading, we presented ourselves at the Zombie transport ship dressed in our best Zombie camouflage,

J.Crew blazer: popular attire among the living dead.

only to be turned away due to our not having paid an "early embarkation fee." We were invited to return after 2:30, however, so we went away hopeful and proceeded to the Vasa Museum to conduct a little background research. What, you might ask, does a museum about a ship that sunk in 1628 have to do with Zombies? The museum itself holds the answers.

As we examined this painstakingly preserved gunship, which capsized 1500 meters into it's maiden voyage, a single fact became glaringly obvious: the Vasa was sunk by Zombies!

I offer as evidence this scene from the museum's own life-sized display on life aboard the Vasa:

Note the senseless rage on the face of the big, wooden chap? Zombies.

And from this half-model on the same subject

I draw your attention to this:

Soon to arise as Zombies

And this:

The dude in ankle chains: already a Zombie.

And this harrowing account of the Vasa's final battle against the Zombies:

Now forewarned of the specific dangers of traveling aboard a ship full of Zombies, we nonetheless returned to the ship and, this time, were allowed to board. Our disguises intact, we have settled into our cabin and are attempting to blend in.

Stay tuned.

Captain's Log: Waterloo!

2009-08-17T11:55:00.005-04:00

After a brief stay in Heathrow's Terminal 5, the Leaky Dinghy set a course for Sweden. After twenty or so hours of travel and several courses of Feel Alright pills, the whole crew was pleased to check in to Stockholm's ABBA Hotel, which offered such welcome amenities as complimentary teddy bears,

charming rooftop views,

and, of course:

Convenient speakers installed throughout the entire room made it possible to enjoy the sweet strains of "Chiquitita" even while applying one's blue eyeshadow

or showering in the the windowed shower (because serious shower disco requires an appreciative audience.)

Refreshed, we headed downstairs to check out the action in the hotel's multi-level lounges and cinema, where we made a disturbing discovery.

No, Bryan, don't go down there!

It's just as we feared: the Zombies have arrived.

Captain's Log: Shortbread Zombie Tears

2009-08-14T17:11:00.008-04:00

This entry of the Captain's Log is coming to you from the BA Clubworld Lounge. Although we have not yet begun the Transatlantic leg of our perilous, zombie-filled, ABBAtastic voyage, we have already encountered a certain amount of drama thanks to Bryan the Bosun, who will be facing court martial once we reconvene with Admiral Mary.

Upon arriving at Dulles International shortly before 5 PM, your captain was looking forward to a leisurely survey of the new Clubworld lounge and perhaps a nice watercress sandwich or two before boarding our flight around 7PM. Upon clearing airport security, however, Bryan the Bosun set a brisk pace for the boarding gate--NOT in the direction of the Clubworld lounge. When I questioned this heading, he announced that our flight to London was boarding imminently!

Now, for those of you who may be new members of the Leaky Dinghy's virtual crew, you may not be aware that, in the wake of the Flying Inferno Incident, Captain Elizabeth flies only under the influence of Dr. Marley's Feel Alright Pills--which are very slow-acting and require an hour or so to take effect. Ergo, Bryan the Bosun's announcement instantly had several severe repurcussions:

1) Your Captain began to cry quiet tears of terror in the middle of the airport

2) Your Captain, panicked, popped an unprecedented two (2!!) Feel Alright pills--double her conventional dose--but with little hope of these actually working in time

3) Bryan the Bosun went and checked the Big Departures Board and discovered, oops, Captian Elizabeth was right, flight leaves at 7.

Sooo, I'm feeling EXTREMELY alright--more alright than I've ever felt before in my life, even when I was taking the stuff they gave me after yanking out my wisdom teeth. But I can still type (as long as I don't move my head much) so I thought I should probably go ahead and write up all these details for the upcoming court martial. (A great captain always perseveres despite the odds.) Also, it might be fun later to see what I just wrote, as I will almost certainly have no memory of ever writing this.

I am now feeling the urge to end with a cute puppy picture, and I am in charge, so here you go.

Next report: London

Crew Registration

2009-07-28T09:51:00.010-04:00

In just over two weeks, the Leaky Dinghy will undertake it's most terrifying voyage yet. Bryan the Bosun, Dr. Jones and I will cross the mighty Atlantic en route to our first waypoint: Stockholm's ABBA Hotel.

Second best to none, indeed.

In Stockholm, the Leaky Dinghy will join up with the flagship of our leaky fleet, the Last Straw (commanded by Admiral Mary and Ship's Engineer Hank) and from there embark on a 10-day expedition of the Baltic Sea...tracking ZOMBIES.

Yes, my friends, you read that correctly. It's no secret that Zombies are a subject of great interest in these troubled times, and Dr. Jones, the world's leading zombiologist, has been asked to undertake a comprehensive study of these creatures and their habits. Dr. Jones' extensive research indicates Zombies prefer colder climates, migrating north each summer, and we believe we have determined the Zombies' preferred method of transport. (We hear Greg Norman has been spotted aboard these ships, a rumor that, if true, is is a top indicator of a large Zombie population.)

Should we survive, we will convey the results of our research directly to authorities at London's Zombie Reseach Center, after which we will undertake a brief side-trip to Cornwall before again braving the Atlantic on our return to our grungy Chesapeake hailing port.

There will be danger. There will be Zombies. There will almost certainly be some quantity of pickled fish. Join us if you dare.

Captain's Log: Due South

2009-06-29T11:52:00.011-04:00

Position: Fleet Command, Florida Panhandle

Weather: Hot

Crew Status: Well-fed

The view from the watch tower at Fleet Command.

Although the Leaky Dinghy was scheduled to remain in port through July for repairs and revictualling, a call from Ship's Engineer Hank to remind your captain of a dentist appointment sent us scrambling south with all possible speed. Dr. Jones and I, this time accompanied by Chris the Cabin Boy, Jonas the First Mate, and Soren the Powder Monkey, made the 996 mile journey in record time, stopping only to moor for the night at Atlanta's Hotel Indigo.

The rest of the crew snoozes while Dr. Jones and Captain Elizabeth man the third watch. Yes, that is blueberry wallpaper.

We are now safely docked at Fleet Command, the domain of Admiral Mary, and will remain here until the weekend. In the mean time, I will get my teeth cleaned, and we all will avail ourselves of the benefits of quartering at Fleet Command--chief among them, Fleet Command's proximity to J's Bakery.

Petits Fours. And Smiley Face cookie. 100% sugar.

In addition to these delicacies, Admiral Mary ensures the galley at Fleet Command is always stocked with crew favorites

and has even provided custom bunks for Jonas and Soren.

Jonas and Soren, however, prefer Admiral Mary's Roche Bobois sofas.

Admiral Mary does not approve.

Captain's Log: Journey's End

2009-06-14T12:19:00.017-04:00

Position: Eastport

Weather: Fair

Crew status: Lazy

With the Leaky Dinghy once again docked in our grungy Chesapeake hailing port, your crew is currently enjoying some well-deserved shore leave. Our second transatlantic crossing was much less eventful than the first--although we DID get to sit very close to Former Secretary of State Colin Powell. The excitement of this, combined with the effects of the Feel Alright pills, caused your captain to accidentally abandon the ship's photography equipment, but that has since been retrieved. Our sincere thanks to those who supported us throughout our long and perilous journey with bolstering emails, comments, and facebook snark.

With hurricane season approaching, the Leaky Dinghy must now carefully prepare for its next journey, although our crew will be taking some time enjoy a few traditional summertime pursuits. On that note, we'd like to share with you one of our favorite Summer recipes.

The Leaky Dinghy's Recipe for a Perfect Summer Afternoon (non-alcoholic version.)

Ingredients:

One (1) Amazon Kindle (Finally--a use for that Kindle someone sent you last Christmas because they "heard you like to read"!)

One (1) 1-gallon Ziploc Freezer Bag (double-zipper version recommended)

One (1) Family Swim Center

Instructions:

Step 1: Combine Ziploc and Kindle

Step 2: Combine Ziplocked Kindle and Family Swim Center

Step 3: Enjoy

Captain's Log: Homeward Bound

2009-06-12T16:05:00.016-04:00

[Entry written on June 4th.]

Position: Heathrow, Terminal 5 ClubWorld Lounge

Weather: Sun shining brightly through the glass ceiling

Crew Status: Waiting for the Feel Alright pills to take effect

Today, the Leaky Dinghy embarks on the final leg of our long and perilous journey, crossing the mighty Atlantic en route to our grungy Chesapeake hailing port. But, first, we must provision for our voyage, and there is really no better place to do this than the new British Airways Terminal 5 ClubWorld Lounge. The Terminal 5 ClubWorld Lounge is quite spiffy, boasting panoramic views of...well...the rest of Terminal 5....

Dr. Jones stares wistfully down at the Paul Smith store. "Drat this infernal exchange rate," he mutters.

Pre-flight massages and facials...

And this really excellent giant horse lamp.

There was also a nice little movie theater, but it was showing European Financial News and thus of no interest to us.

We began our provisioning at the snack bar with the Walker's shortbread. Obviously.

We then moved on the the Giant Freezer of Ice Cream.

All for me.

Bryan the Bos'un had a nice pasta marinara from the ClubWorld Kitchen (Yes, I told him about the ice cream, but there is just no reasoning with some people.) and concluded our efforts by grabbing a few copies of Hello! Magazine to keep our minds sharp over the long voyage.

Dr. Jones, however, seemed to be searching for something...more. But he didn't find it at the coffee bar.

Nor at the wine bar, either.

Ah-ha! Success.

Shaken, not stirred. If you please.

Captain's Log: Greenwich Mean

2009-06-11T16:22:00.008-04:00

[Entry written on June 3rd.]

Position: Mayfair, London

Weather: Fair enough (for London)

Crew Status: Fair Enough (considering the Jack the Ripper Walking Tour got vetoed. BOO!)

Today the crew of the Leaky Dinghy sailed valiantly down that river of sludge that is the Thames to Greenwich in order to visit the National Maritime Museum and Royal Observatory. The NMM is one of your captain's very favorite museums and, on this visit, it featured an entire exhibit on a topic dear to Bryan the Bos'uns heart.

This is why we we're pretty sure he secretly dreams of Volvo Ocean Races. Look at that Expression.

The only thing Bryan the Bos'un loves more than books in which the subjects climb up a mountain (and usually die) are those in which the subjects sail to the Arctic--or Antarctic (and usually die.)

We then trekked up to the royal observatory and capped off a naptastic planetarium showing of Ice Worlds (narrated by Hermione Granger) with a round of standing-on-the-Prime-Meridian.

Dr. Jones looks typically awesome as he straddles two hemispheres.

Finally, we headed back to London, where Dr. Jones encountered a group of similarly famous, sight-seeing celebrities.

I can't help but agree with Dr. Jones' pronouncement that something just wasn't quite right about those guys. Their account of the grisly ends met by three of their group was, frankly, harrowing.

And the there were four. Ceramic dwarves. Rookie mistake!

Captain's Log: Up to Mighty London

2009-06-11T15:22:00.010-04:00

[This entry written on June 2nd.]

Location: London

Weather: Sunny and almost warm

Crew Status: A little cranky

Land ho! After many days of hardship, the Transatlantic leg of our perilous journey has come to an end. We awoke this morning to a view of Lisbon (and the refueling barge) from our veranda. In fact, we awoke to this view very early, as Mrs. Peacock felt these sights were worth pointing out at 5AM. Mrs. Peacock then went back to sleep, while Dr. Jones and I thought very uncharitable thoughts about her until we finally gave up on sleep and got in the shower around 7:00. Perhaps this would not have been such a big deal had Dr. Jones and I gone to bed at a decent hour, but our final evening's convivial "last supper" was followed by an night of celebratory farewells and much discussion of how best to pack our watercolor portfolios.

The infamous Table 105, nicely posed. Back row: Alice the Adventurer, Dauntless Head Waiter Kevin, Captain Elizabeth. Front row: Johanna Jollitime, Franz the Ninja-Accountant Gourmand, Odessa the Art Instructor, Mrs. Peacock.

A more realistic rendering of the Infamous Table 105.

We breakfasted a final time on apple-ricotta pancakes with lingonberry creme fraiche, then took the ship transfer to the Lisbon airport--FOUR HOURS EARLY. Of course, as Mrs. Peacock insisted on packing a large bottle of water in her carry-on (lest we find ourselves stranded in the vast, barren desert of metropolitan Lisbon) and as this bottle was subseqently discovered by airport security, the large cushion of time came in pretty handy.

Dr. Jones and I spent the remaining three hours watching episodes of the first season of Angel (the only show your captain can really follow once dosed with Feel Alright pills) and that's pretty much all I remember until London. Despite the influence of the Feel Alright pills, my navigation skills were sufficient to locate the Heathrow Express, at which point Bryan the Bos'un rejoined our happy crew.

Flowers, hand carried from Holland by Bryan the Bos'un. Now that's devotion.

We proceeded to the Grosvenor House Hotel and checked in. First on the agenda: Jack the Ripper Walking Tour!

Captain's Log: The Art of Band Babies

2009-06-11T10:17:00.015-04:00

Position: 1 day's sail from Lisbon

Weather: Becalmed--whales everywhere

Crew Status: Slightly hunted

[Note: This entry was written on the evening of June 1st but due to lack of internet, temporary loss of camera, attacks by giant sea creatures, etc., we are only now able to post. Such are the perils of travel aboard the Leaky Dinghy.]

Although my previous posts may have cast this voyage in the same light as a common pleasure cruise, I assure you the hazards of life aboard the Leaky Dinghy are many. Chief among them: the Band Babies. In order to boost morale on our long and perilous journey, this Transatlantic was designated "Big Band Theme." To that end, Schmooze Director Rick and his brethren recruited the iconic Benn Stiller Band. [Name of band slightly altered to prevent googling by Band Babies, but the real name rhymes with the one provided.] Of course, most regular members of the Benn Stiller band declined to risk their lives crossing an ocean on a slightly broken boat, so the band's management seems to have gone around to American colleges filling their ranks, press-gang style, with tender and innocent undergrad music majors.

Of course, on a boat carrying only 200 passengers, most of them aged 130 or more, it was not long before the Band Babies discovered our friend Johanna Jollitime. And, as Johanna can be found helping her mother Odessa the Art Instructor run a class in the Lido Cafe every afternoon,

Johanna Jollitime rinsing paint brushes in Odyssey Art.

it was no time at all before art class began to fill with Band Babies.

Band Babies at Captain Elizabeth's Table in Odyssey Art.

However, as Johanna's interests lie with Chris the Assistant Schmooze Director (who has the advantage of a spiffy white uniform with black-and-gold epaulets) some of the Band Babies have redirected their attentions to the remainder of the under-50 female population, comprised entirely of Alice the Adventurer and your Captain. That I am accompanied on this voyage by Mrs. Peacock (who, in addition to being Our Esteemed Benefactress, is also Bryan the Bos'un's mom) is no deterrant at all. Band Babies = stalkers.

Mrs. Peacock works on "Lisbon Lace" project beside undeterred Band Baby.

Band Babies look on as Dr. Jones paints a lovely lupine.

Band Babies pose with Leaky Dinghy crew at Odyssey Art Show.

Front Left to Right: Mrs. Peacock, Johanna Jollitime, Youngest-and-cutest Band Baby, Dr. Jones, Stalker-y-est Band Baby, Alice the Adventurer, Captain Elizabeth

Not Pictured: Your Captain's piece de resistance "Crab-bot Emerges from the Deep" which, according to Odessa the Art Instructor, "Didn't make the cut" for the Art Show.

Like rabid Koala bears, the Band Babies are extremely cute and cuddly, lots of fun to look at--but you really don't want to get bitten. To that end, the "buddy system" is in effect.

Alice the Adventurer and Captain Elizabeth share a working lunch while, nearby, the Band Babies (not pictured) frolic shirtless in the Seahorse Pool hot tub.

Storm Warning

2009-06-08T09:25:00.005-04:00

The inaugural issue of TBR Tallboy, published by YA-guru Leila Roy over at Bookshelves of Doom, is now shipping. And it's awesome. I've read the whole thing a couple of times now but, even if I hadn't--just look at that cover! Now that's the kind of cover art the crew of the Leaky Dinghy can really relate to. Incidentally, your captain's name happens to be among those on the cover. My short story "Escape From God Camp" is contained therein, which is why we are all on the lookout for sudden bolts of lightning.

If you haven't already (ahem...Sue) you can order your copy of TBR Tallboy here. And if you happen to encounter any of our crew members over the next few weeks, be ready to duck.

Camera Overboard!

2009-06-07T18:05:00.006-04:00

Those following along will please note that the Captain's Log has been interrupted due to the temporary loss of the ship's photography equipment. As you may be aware, I fly only under the influence of Dr. Marley's Feel Alright pills, and these tend to make me forget stuff. Like cameras. So, although Captain Edvardsen (helmsman of our slightly broken boat) repeatedly instructed us to "maintain wisual contact at all times," I failed to heed his warning. Luckily, Isaac at British Airways has my back, and I will retrieve my camera Wednesday when I put Bryan the Bos'un on a plane to Germany. At that point, I will be able to properly illustrate and publish my backlog of blog posts, concluding my narration of this fearsome and dangerous voyage of the Leaky Dinghy.

Captain's Log: Floating Around

2009-06-01T05:04:00.018-04:00

[Note: I meant to put this up yesterday but problems at the LA office took out the ship's internet connection for the entire day.]

Position: Just beyond the Azores

Weather: Sunny with 7-12 ft. following seas

Crew Status: Skipping lunch to save room for afternoon tea

As the ship seems to be running well enough without my supervision, today I sit by the Seahorse Pool basking near the sun (because, of course, your captain would never bask in the sun) and listening to the dulcet strains of Peaceful, Easy Feeling as played by the enthusiastic and loud Crystal Sextet.

Sadly, I sit alone. Dr. Jones prefers the privacy of our stateroom veranda…

…and, the last I saw of Mrs. Peacock, she was getting quite cozy with NHBill.

At this juncture, we have been many days at sea, but shipboard conditions remain good. There’s no slime on the Perrier, nor are there weevils in the blinis and croissants. There are even fresh flowers in evidence, though the arrangements grow more innovative as our journey progresses. The flower-floating-in-water arrangements, for example, are exceedingly lovely and also serve as useful places to dispose of the tequila shots Johanna Jollitime is so fond of ordering.

Then we have this arrangement, which relies on halved limes for a decorative boost. Very useful for combating scurvy.

And, finally, this arrangement, which sits in a pot made entirely of rare roast beef.

To be fair, this one was part of yesterday’s Lunchtime Gala Buffet—because, of course, you cannot have a voyage of this kind without a Lunchtime Gala Buffet.

As you can see, this one was nicer than average, with lots of lobster tails and sashimi and lions made of bread.

There was also a giant house of crackers.

I was under the impression that the whole point of a buffet was so people could have whatever they liked off of it, but these guys would not let me have the cracker house. I told them I was going to have them brought up on charges of mutiny. They were very afraid.

And, of course, there was musical accompaniment.

Why, yes, that is a clear piano. Don’t you wish you had one?

And now I must flee to a safer location, as the Band Babies have just descended on the Seahorse Pool. More on the Band Babies later but, suffice it to say, whoever decided to bring a full complement of 20-year-old jazz musicians along on Transatlantic Crossing should first have consulted with Johanna Jollitime.

2009-05-28T16:24:00.010-04:00

Position: Middle of the Atlantic

Weather: Brilliant

Crew Status: Pushin’ on through

As our voyage advances, Dr. Jones and I have encountered several unexpected difficulties in life aboard our slightly broken boat. First, it is impossible attend all the activities we wish to sample. Napkin-folding is scheduled for the same time slot as art. Ballroom dancing conflicts with Portuguese. Trivia meets during the Hollywood Theatre’s afternoon showing of The Reader. Why, Dr. Jones had to miss Casino Bingo yesterday in order to attend a Bridge lesson! Simply put: we need more hours.

Exacerbating this problem is the fact that many of our days have only 23 hours. Tonight, as with last night, we will lose yet another hour at 2AM ship’s time. We know for a fact that this loss occurs at 2AM because we are always awake to see it happen. Which leads us to our next problem: We need a nap.

On a vessel that boasts an average passenger age of 130, one might reasonably expect to get a full night’s rest despite the shortened days. However, these old people can seriously party. Also, the diabolical Crystal Dining Room maître d’ has assigned the crew of the Leaky Dinghy to Table 105. Our dinner partners include Alice the Adventurer, a travel and features writer for a major UK newspaper; Odessa the Art Instructor, who has helped us produce such masterpieces as Mrs. Peacock’s “Ocean Turkey” and your captain’s own Mermaid Tail Bookmark; Franz the Gourmand, a Switzerlander who, apart from Dr. Jones, represents our only gentleman dining partner; and Johanna Jollitime, a comedienne from LA who won last season’s Last Comic Standing. Suffice it to say Table 105 is Not Like The Other Tables and, every night, we arrive to find our waiters have eased our table a little farther apart from the others.

Your captain's Mermaid Bookmark.

After dinner, the diners of Table 105—now honorary members of the Leaky Dinghy crew—often repair to Pulse, the ship’s smallest and “hippest” nightclub, tucked in behind the Galaxy Lounge. Pulse is handily equipped with it’s own bar, comfy banquettes and, most significantly, a Karaoke setup, which allows us to repel intruders should they attempt to enter our territory. So far, my rendition of the Kenny Rogers classic, The Gambler, has chased away all encroachers (with the exception of Toronto Jim, who must be lured away with false reports of intoxicated single ladies in the Deck 9 hot tub.)

As a result of all this, our shipboard evenings have proven quite lively and, even should I wish to retire early, I could not. As captain of this vessel, I cannot in good conscience leave Dr. Jones unattended. Dr. Jones = Party Animal.

Dr Jones orders yet another round.

The Crew of the Leaky Dinghy employs Gloria Gaynor to repel invaders while, below, Dr. Jones cozies up to Alice the Adventurer and Odessa the Art Instuctor.

Mrs. Molly Peacock leads a defensive action using Freddy Fender as ammunition.

Bermuda Farewell

2009-05-26T23:10:00.006-04:00

Position: Sargasso Sea, Deep in the Bermuda Triangle

Weather: Gloriously Fair

Crew Status: Maybe a teensy bit sunburned

Today our slightly broken boat dropped anchor in Hamilton Harbor and the crew of the Leaky Dinghy—minus Dr. Jones, who claims to have visited the island many times before on unspecified “government business”—ventured cautiously ashore. Upon finding the natives friendly, we risked a more extensive exploration of the island, even going so far as to sample the local cuisine. In return for being allowed to admire Mrs. Peacock’s shiny plastic card for a few moments, a group of locals was happy to provide us with a tasty meal of grilled wahoo and pina coladas.

The island harbors several species of hazardous local wildlife, including the Portuguese Man O’ War (Piscius gellitinin bigassius) and the Vespa Scooter (Dayrentalis mansquishius), but neither Mrs. Peacock nor I sustained serious injury. We reached the South Shore safely and claimed that territory for ourselves.

Elbow Beach shall henceforth be referred to as Captainelizatopia.

Nearly half of our shipmates—industry professionals along for a three-day conference—permanently disembarked in Bermuda, leaving but 200 (paying) souls aboard for the duration. While I can only interpret their abandonment of us as a dark precursor of things to come, we have no choice but to press on. I hardly dare guess what perils await us. Megladons? Giant octopi? Pants like the ones worn by this lady in the Fort Lauderdale Airport?

Time will tell. God help us all.

Bermuda Bound

2009-05-26T00:20:00.004-04:00

Position: Almost to Bermuda

Weather: Fair

Crew Status: Stuffed

Since embarking Saturday evening, the Leaky Dinghy has ventured ever deeper into the mysterious and treacherous waters of the Bermuda Triangle. Dr. Jones, Mrs. Peacock and I have coped as best we can, participating in the many diversions offered aboard this curious vessel to keep our minds off the danger. Thus far, in addition to spa treatments and gym workouts, we have been to Yamaha keyboard lessons, art classes, stage shows, magic acts and a lecture on International Affairs given by Dr. V. Vague, a professor of political science from Perdue.

Dr. Jones displays a watercolor painted in Odyssey Art by Mrs. Peacock.

I am pleased to report the nourishment provided has been more than adequate and my fears of scurvy have been laid to rest. The chocolate tres leches, pink-iced breakfast donuts and pre-extracted Maine lobster with hollandaise have been particular favorites, however it is rumored we may soon face a horrifying shortage of black caviar (the good kind!!).

For those who were hoping for a romance between Mrs. Peacock and NHBill, I’m afraid the news is disappointing. NHBill is a kind and stately gentleman, but our esteemed benefactress has concluded that his age (estimated to be somewhere in the neighborhood of 476 years) might hinder his ability to actively parent Bryan the Bos’un. Mrs. Peacock has indicated she requires potential spouses to be somewhat younger, but I fear this stipulation may be hard to satisfy aboard our slightly broken boat. The best candidates so far are Chris the Assistant Cruise Director who, I have it on the best authority, “gets around,” and Toronto Jim, an ex-hockey player who has lovely new dental implants and often sails out of Virgin Gorda (Where on Virgin Gorda? “The American part.”) Toronto Jim has invited Mrs. Peacock to meet him in the hot tub on deck nine in her skimpiest bikini, but she has thus far declined.

Captain's Log: Orlando and Ahoy

2009-05-23T19:44:00.000-04:00

Position: Port of Miami
Weather: Variable
Crew Status: Hungry

Dr. Jones and I logged a quick roundtrip to Orlando to meet up with
Admiral Mary, Ship's Engineer Hank, and Chris the Cabin Boy. Although
the home of Magic was experiencing a prolonged Central Florida deluge,
the rain paused long enough for the crew of the Leaky Dinghy (minus
Dr. Jones, who did not satisfy the 100 lb. minimum weight requirement)
to circumnavigate the alligator-and-Winnebago-infested swamplands of
Disney's Ft. Wilderness Campground on Segway Personal Transporters.
There really is no journey too perilous for the fearless Admiral
Mary's crew.

Captain's Log: Miami Recap

2009-05-22T15:57:00.021-04:00

Position: Orlando

Weather: Foul

Crew Morale: Fab!

The Leaky Dinghy's Miami sojourn has ended and crew member Bryan the Bos'un has jumped ship for Holland and the Delta Lloyd Regatta. Our stay was brief but filled with the best of Miami. We breakfasted at South Beach's venerable News Cafe, drank cortaditos at Sergio's, and had Sabrinatinis bedecked with chocolate monkeys at Barton G. Yep, that's right, chocolate monkeys.

The Sabrinatinis also came with champagne popsicle stirrers.

And then there was the Disco Crab.

And the Beignet Trio.

But we didn't trek all the way to Miami just to eat. We also spent time cruising Coconut Grove, taking care to avoid the vicious guardians of those verdant streets.

Tucked away in the South Grove, I discovered the Most Awesome House Ever, Casa Kenya

which is surrounded by the Most Awesome Wall Ever, made of huge hunks of coral

imbedded with the occasional face sculpture.

As I said--awesome.

I suggested the purchase of Casa Kenya to Bryan the Bos'un, who in return suggested I "do something with those law degrees." He will have his little jokes.

And , of course, our main purpose in coming to Miami was so that the delightfully brawny Bryan the Bos'un might visit with his official U.S. Sailing Team athletic trainer, for the purpose of becoming brawnier still. I approve of this purpose and, in fact, sent Dr. Jones along on these sessions to lend moral support. Dr. Jones really got into the spirit of things and, Bryan the Bos'un informs me, "went big."

Really big.

Dr. Henry Jones: The Mightiest Mugg.

Captain's Log: The Voyage Begins

2009-05-20T12:48:00.017-04:00

Position: Miami

Weather: Variable

Crew Morale: Fair

And we're off! At 0710 hrs, Bryan the Bos'un, Dr. Jones and I departed Eastport and made our way to Baltimore/Washington International in order to catch our aeroplane to the subtropics. As many of you know, I have been somewhat nervous of this mode of transportation ever since the Flying Inferno Incident so, two hours prior to takeoff, I popped a couple of Feel Alright pills, supplied by The Magnanimous Dr. Marley. These worked so well that I decided to have a giant Jamocha milkshake for breakfast (Bryan the Bos'un had oatmeal) and Bryan decided to take advantage of Southwest's early boarding policy for those needing special assistance. I have little recollection of boarding, but I can tell you the milkshake was excellent.

Upon arriving in Miami, we proceeded to the Budget desk to secure some form of private transport. Unfortunately, the multitudes that proceeded us had already bespoken the most desirable conveyances. With no cars, trucks, camels, zambonis, or rollerblades available, Bryan the Bos'un and I were forced to accept a primitive, putridly-colored contraption called a Dodge Nitro.

But the seasoned traveler learns to relish these challenges.

We checked into the stately Hyatt Alhambra Coral Gables and Bryan the Bos'un and I set out to explore the town. Dr. Jones, whose displeasure with his travel arrangements had not yet abated, elected to chill at the hotel.

Crew Registration

2009-05-05T17:22:00.006-04:00

Welcome to the Leaky Dinghy. In just two short weeks, Dr. Henry Jones and I will be embarking on a journey that will take us far from our grungy Chesapeake hailing port. Along the way we will drink cortaditos in Miami, battle pirates in Orlando, ride Vespas in Bermuda, and steal shortbread from the BA Clubworld Lounge in London. Although we will cross the Atlantic--twice--we will NOT be stopping in the Azores to visit a fabulous pineapple plantation because, apparently, our boat is kind of broken and that stop has been knocked off the itinerary.

Here there be monsters?

At various points in our trip we will be joined by our esteemed benefactress, Mrs. Molly Peacock

Our Esteemed Benefactress

the delightfully brawny Bryan the Bos'un

Eats Laser sailors for breakfast

and your captain's own beloved, original crew: Admiral Mary; Ship's Engineer Hank; and Chris the Cabin Boy. Come along if you like.